Friday, April 24, 2009

The Egghead Squirrel

A wonder of the modern world, the Egghead Squirrel has an amazing ability that has left scientists scratching their heads. The Egghead Squirrel can use the power of its mind to dominate other creatures, and against their will, force them to gather its supply of winter nuts.

First spotted by Norwegian immigrants in Minnesota in the early 1890's, the Egghead Squirrel's unusual abilities were not discovered until backpackers on a lunch break observed an Egghead Squirrel clearly controlling a flock of yellow-headed blackbirds in 1979. The hikers gaped in shock as the birds worked all afternoon to pile a two-foot high pyramid of nuts in front of the squirrel while it sat motionless, eyes glazed and head cocked at a peculiar angle.

Scientists now believe that the Egghead Squirrel is a fairly recent single mutation, and that the creature can mate with either racoons or squirrels to procreate. Still exceptionally rare, it nevertheless appears that its numbers are growing. Its mental powers are sufficiently strong to control several birds or a small mammal for hours at a time, but humans are in no danger of being mentally dominated. In laboratory tests featuring a human, an Egghead Squirrel, and a bowl of almonds, humans encountering an Egghead Squirrel have not fetched nuts for the creature and have reported no compulsions to do so. The only objective changes came in attitudes; subjects reported finding the Squirrel cute and cuddly after an hour in its company, whereas subjects spending only ten minutes with the creature described it as "freakish looking" with a strong odor reminiscent of old socks.

So another day in the life of science, and another mystery waiting to be solved! Some scientists speculate that these kinds of mental powers could soon appear in human children. Experts across the world are feverishly working to discover the nature of the Egghead Squirrel's amazing power, even while pediatricians are now commonly testing children for mental control powers by using a bowl of M&M's and a rhesus monkey. So far nothing has been found.

Evolutionary dead-end or the future to come? We still don't know. And perhaps we won't for many years.

No comments: