Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Pork Faced Turkey Chicken

The Pork Faced Turkey Chicken, also known as "The Banff Monster" has the largest feet per pound of any creature in the recorded history of the planet. The creature's feet are so large that it almost appears to be an optical illusion.

The bird is a man-made creature that was created in a lab using genetic material from a turkey, a chicken, an ostrich, a pig, and a mutant rabbit. Canadian scientists at the remote Banff Experimental Science Outpost in Alberta manufactured the creature in an attempt to design a cold weather bird that could survive in the far Canadian north, yield massive amounts of meat (especially the attractive breast and drumstick meat), outrun predators, reproduce quickly, and herd itself to the slaughter house when it reached maturity.

Unfortunately, the Pork Faced Turkey Chicken tends to die promptly of a heart attack whenever the temperature drops below 79 degrees fahrenheit. It runs like a 90 year-old man and is almost always sterile. And if that isn't bad enough, it's normally an incredibly stupid creature that can't find its own food bowl and has an average muscle mass ratio of 75% fat to 25% muscle. The Canadian scientists quickly destroyed all the research and pretended they'd never created it. The surviving Turkey Chickens were herded out onto the frozen tundra to die. The lab is now used for research into the powers of soy bean oil.

But in a peculiar twist of fate, several Turkey Chickens survived and continue to live in the wilderness of the Banff National Park, where they inadvertently spread disease (primarily bird flu) and terrorize tourists, who think they're hallucinating. Humans hiking in the Park have been shocked and alarmed to find the creature's claw prints in the dirt of trails and the mud of lake shores. The prints are especially impressive, since they can be as large as five feet across. Legends of the creature carrying off small children and pets, terrorizing hikers, and seeking retribution for mankind's crimes against nature have spread, fueled by a smattering of actual physical evidence, anecdotes that are nothing more than a variation of the bigfoot myth, and some actual gossip about the Turkey Chicken spreading out from disgruntled employees of the Science Outpost.

The Pork Faced Turkey Chicken is featured in dozens of Canadian folk tales and urban legends revolving around a giant bird-like creature seeking retribution for crimes against nature. Sometimes the bird is a hawk or chicken that was experimented on; sometimes the bird is a supernatural being; other times the bird is simply a large dangerous animal that wants nothing more than to be left alone. In 2006, John Carpenter made a movie of the Turkey Chicken legend called The Chicken Thing Lives. It starred Wynona Ryder as a maverick geneticist who teams up with a Canadian Mountie (played by Keanu Reeves) in an attempt to destroy the last few Turkey Chickens living in the wilderness before they can spread a deadly plague to the human population. They fail and everyone dies.


choochoo said...

oooh, I work in a lab. Now I have all sorts of plans for that hour I usually have to spend waiting for my buss after hours. Nyahaha.

Andrea said...


(amy forwarded your blog to me - we're friends from college, i'm a big fan of funky animals)