Friday, August 1, 2008

Wild Squeamish Bogaroo

What a strange creature is the Wild Squeamish Bogaroo. Words almost can't do it justice.

The Bogaroo is the result of a millenia old mating between a kangaroo and a wild boar. Strangely enough its most distinctive feature is not its kangaroo ears, its pig snout or pig feet, its zebra striped fur, its powerful rear kangaroo legs that can propel it up to 80 miles an hour, or its powerful kangaroo tail that can crush a motorcycle or a nuclear family. No, the Wild Squeamish Bogaroo has an eyeball on its butt. (There's no nice way to put it, sadly, and it's one of the most bizarre things in nature.) In an equally bizarre twist, the third eye does not communicate with the brain, and is thus functionally blind.

The Wild Squeamish Bogaroo lives in the remotest sections of the Australian outback, where it feeds on dead eucalyptus leaves and rabbit dung. Evolutionary biologists continue to be stymied by the origins of the Bogaroo's peculiar third eye and what it might signify. Indian philosophers are far more certain- it's the only creature that devout Hindus are willing to slaughter. They consider the creature a soul eater and believe that the third eye is staring at them, and not in a good way. In 1986, Australia altered its visa requirements because Hindu tourists were taking day trips to Australia in a bizarre extra-national attempt to eradicate the Bogaroo. As actor Paul Hogan, star of the Crocodile Dundee movies put it, "It's not that we didn't agree with them about the Bogaroo; it's just that we Australians wanted to kill the damn things ourselves."

In fact, since its first sighting by a drunken ex-convict in 1897, the Wild Squeamish Bogaroo has repelled Westerners and Southeast Asians alike. While native aborigines generally accepted the Bogaroo as the result of poor artistic choices by the gods who carved humans out of natural material during the "dream time", westerners considered the creature an actual effront to their sensibilities, and worked hard to rid themselves of it (and continue to do so). While international activists have frequently expressed outrage at cruelties enacted against the far more lovable kangaroo and koala bear, most have turned a blind eye or expressed outright indifference to the plight of the Bogaroo. Today the creature looks forward at a bleak future, while its bizarre, blind eyeball looks back to a past that has held nothing but misery.

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